leo air smith |

Mortal

4 posts

leo air smith May 20, 2014 19:22:53 GMT -5

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Post by nagitin on May 20, 2014 19:22:53 GMT -5

Full
Name:

Leo air smith

Age:

16 going to be 17 in a few months

Description:
'Leo has dark green eyes with white dots at the Center of his pupils that
reveal the identity of his mother. Despite this, he does not know who she is.'
has long black sliver hair he got the silver hair when messing with a very
pissed off witch who was the daughter of Hecate after he broke up with her so
now his black hair has sliver streaks in it . There is a star birth mark on the
back of his neck and he has a short nose and ears. He weighs 120 pounds and is around
about 6’6 feet tall. His blood type is AB. was born on the border of Canada and
the USA spokes prefect English and broken weak mix of Chinese and Japanese’s
though tenders to stick to English he thinks it is easier.

Sexuality: straight

Olympian Parent: unknown at this time for Leo but his mother is khione goddess
of ice and snow

Mortal Parent: Alec lee smith (decreased)

Personality:

'Leo is nice to be around and will always look after his friends, family, and
loved ones.
Will risk his life for anyone for that's what he feels he needs to do. And he
will risk everything he has and is to safe people he does not care if they are
friend or even foe he does not care. if someone is in need he will help them no
matter what he has to do he will do. and he will to his best succeed also he
will cross any line or break any law he needs to too safe his friends and even
enemy if he knows he can safe them even if it is from themselves.
Is a bit of a loner can be shy at times yet you never want to get him angry for
he tends to go crazy and hurt people yet for reason being still not quite yet
known to him. Yet he thinks it is causes of his life and all the bullies and
hard times he has faced yet he cannot be sure if that is true.
But yet when tested he will rises to do what needs to be done. Why you may ask
he does not even know himself it just one of the things he feels like he has to
do. He thinks this way and feels this for reason higher then him and yet he
believes the reason why he is this way is causes this was the way he was meant
to be.
'Has a hard exterior but yet once you get pass that you will be loved and well
looked after? And yet he does this causes he thinks he needs to show people
that he can care and show them he wants people to know he can be trusted and that
he can look after people.
'likes video games and the wild, anime and animals he finds it peaceful being in the wild and playing video games
and it also helps him to calms down when he
is angry, dislike Bullies mean teachers and punk rock he reasons for hating and disliking mean teachers and bullies is,
causes he has had some bad times and run in with mean teachers and
bullies over the years, yet the reason behind the punk rock hating is causes of
a punk rock loving bunch of empousa groupies who tried to kill him with punk
rock so since then he hates punk rock.
hobbies loves playing games board or video, loves watching cartoons and movies
but he really likes playing with his pet wolf x husky Cody . This is causes it
is all he has to do and enjoy until he finds out who he is.
Flaws cares too much at times is overly protective of his friends and the
people he cares about once he has made bonds with people, and yet can sometimes
be too friendly. has An irrational hate and or fear of punk rock and bullies,
and the darkness of his own soul and the darkness of the world for reason he
does not yet fully understand, yet is To trusting or sometimes doesn't trust
enough, the reasons for this are all to do with his life like bullies pretending
to be his friend and hurting him and betraying him in the long run so he does
not trust so easily anymore.
Fatal flaw is both a bit Ambition and Selflessness.

History: apparently his father had traveled to Canada for a Holiday and on a whim and
while there. he had meet his mother his mother fall for him causes of his
kindness his caring and must of all his big heart which was her's the moment he
saw her, yet some details Leo is unsure of from lack of info and knowledge.
But what he does know is that they spent two whole years together, before they got
get hitched in Vegas 8 months later Leo was born and then he didn't know.
his uncle would not tell him anything, it was like his mother had left him with his
father or she had died giving birth to him.
He just didn't know, and yet his uncle knew his uncle knew it all and here it is as soon as Leo was born his
mother in all intends and purposes had died or that's what the doctors nurses
and all the rest of the family members thought.
That's what he and his brother had tell them but in truth Leo mother was a Greek goddess which one his brother
had never said but he knew she was one, how well that's easy his wife's mother
was iris Greek goddess and messenger for the gods so he knew a goddess when.
He saw one anyway when Leo was born she went back to were ever the gods live, so that
left his brother to raise Leo with the help of Leo's uncle and aunt but once
his father died his uncle and his aunt looked after him and raised him and
that's all he and they know but, in Leo's mind he will never know his mother or
that is what his uncle had hoped why you ask that's easy causes to know her
would, bring great pain and anger and sorrow into his life and he hoped to
spare Leo from this.

Despite never knowing his mother nor his father he sometimes feels them with
him and yet he never knew how they had met nor how he was made until his uncle
his dad brother tell him, causes of his father had died when he was very young
courses of the death that he does not know but i will tell you it was sadly Leo
felt one night when Leo was very young he cried and, while he was crying a
storm was raging the likes of which has not been seen in years as he cried
signs of his mother’s power peaked out and to make a long story short in order
to keep his baby son warm he held the child and died of frost bite Leo does not
know this, in his life he has killed a few Cyclopes over the years and has
trained merely by forces and in need to stay alive in part thanks to his aunts
father teaching him ,in the ways of karate and has raised a half wolf half
husky(i.e. a hybrid)named Cody. Which is now his only friend other than that he
does not know much? he lives in Asia Tokyo yet he travels cause of him and his
aunt being who they are but he does not know much about himself other than he
is a demigod he found this out, one day in Singapore were a Cyclopes and what
he now knows to be a hell hound attacked a bus he was on and he just had the
sudden dive to fight them and it sort of helped that the Cyclopes called him one,
later that day he talked with his aunt and uncle who confirmed it. he has travelled
never staying in one places yet gone to school off and on in different places
he was not all that good at school though yet he has tried his hardest and
thinks he has done good in it yet he was always chased away by monsters at bad
and good times for him. he lightly dated a daughter of Hecate for a bit who he
went to school with in London a year before he went to Tokyo it turns out she
was a bad girl i.e. working for the monsters they used her to lure him into a
trap he broke it off with her as soon as he found out she had dark green eyes
and long black hair her body type was nice for a 16 year old she was pretty
smart and strong compared to must girls he had meet he didn't find out about
her mother till the end of them dating when she changed his hair that showed
him who she was'.
Despite his aunt being a demigod and him also been one you would think monster
would attack them daily but you would be wrong until his 12 birthday iris
blocked his scent just a little bit just enough to stop monster attacks though
when he was 5,8 and 4 monster attacked but thanks to his aunts training at camp
she was able to fight them off though it was only ever just one monster each
time Leo didn't know or has no memory of it ever happing the story of his aunt
is a long one so i will just tell you the small version when she was 13 she
found out who she was a year later she went to camp trained as much and as long
as she could she was a summer camp only but her father helped her train been a
karate master help her when she was 19 she met her future husband at a party
her childhood friend was hosting they dated for 3 years then they got married
during those 4 years he found out about who she was and accepted it.
Once they got Leo she start to take precautions like moving a few times a year
always in small towns or sometimes they lived in the woods or in the mountains
when Leo was 14 they moved to Asia in hope of getting away from the monsters or
keep away from them till Leo was truly ready of causes they send him to school
but once the monsters attacked they packed up and left lying to Leo telling him
it was causes of work or they just want to move he accept it always sort of
knowing the truth but didn't care he knew it was for the best.
Use to wander till they i.e. his aunt uncle and him made it to Asia yet since
they went to Tokyo he has stay in Tokyo. But now he senses he must go somewhere
new were he does not know yet. since he was 4 his aunt and uncle have been
looking after him it was not till he turned 14 did they tell him about his
father but they never tell him about his mother except for how his father met
her and that’s all they taught him why he dies he does not know.
How he got to camp he got there thanks to stumbling on two young Satyrs one
was called Lucy the other was named g just g, sadly Lucy had died from a hell
hound bite g had just survived thanks to Leo butting in and killing the hell hound
and injuring two snake archers, for saving his life g had taken him to camp and
since then g has been trying to repay Leo for what he did that day.
His magic weapon is a bishop chess pieces that can turn into a long black
ninjato. He got the weapon from a teacher who was an old demigod he was the
only teacher he trusted and ever liked the teacher had safe his life from a
horde of monsters. And as he lay there dying he pasted on his sword to him he has
been using it ever since'.
pet half wolf half husky is a hybrid named Cody he found him when he was just
a pup he was out in the cold and he was hungry they both were he risked his
life and stole food for the pup, and stole old clothes and cloth to keep the
pup warm he nearly died on three accounts for Cody. Yet since then they have
not left each other side'.

Years at camp:

zero just got to camp a few months

Year-rounder or summer-only camper

year rounder

Last Edit: May 31, 2014 7:07:50 GMT -5 by nagitin

Porter

Administrator

1,093 posts

I survived the Marvinpocalypse 2015 (but only barely)

leo air smith May 24, 2014 12:11:42 GMT -5

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Post by Porter on May 24, 2014 12:11:42 GMT -5

Hi Nagitin,
You're off to a good start, there's just a few things you need to tweak:
First of all, please order the character sheet correctly. You went from history to personality and back to history, fix it so it is only Personality and then history- no back and forths. Incorporate Leo's magic weapon, how he got into camp, his ex girlfriend and dog into his history instead of added information floating below everything else.

A little bit of information on Leo's background might clear some things up: Is his background Japanese or American? (Or other?)(If he is Japanese, why does he have a western first and last name? Does he have a different name in his home country? If he is American, why did he move to Asia?) Can he speak fluent Japanese and English? Are there other languages he can speak?

Considering we also have an accepted character

There is an ongoing problem with older demigods in your character page with Leo's aunt and his teacher. Leo himself is a legal adult, living in the proximity of two surviving demigods and one other younger demigod. The likelihood of any of them surviving at this age without protection is very slim. (Even if his teacher does die).
Leo is eighteen years old, and already a legal adult. Most campers arrive at their early teens because monsters become overwhelming by then, so having him just recently arrive at camp at his age makes warding off monsters by then hard to believe. (At least so he's not an adult, even 17 is fine).
This is especially a problem if his aunt is also a demigod daughter of Iris. Being a child of a minor god can help avoid monsters in the long run, but two demigods living in the same household is still trouble. Leo would probably have been attacked at a very early age, or at least discovered his parentage sooner. Please expand on some information on his aunt like how she survived, if she attended camp half blood, how she met her husband, stuff like that. I would suggest you either take away Leo's aunt being a demigod or make Leo a lot younger when he arrived at camp as well as having the aunt take a lot of precaution on protecting herself and her nephew.
You mention he has dated a daughter of Hecate, but there is no mentioning if Leo was aware of her parentage or the dangers that it caused. You also mentioned Leo trains against the monsters without knowing who he his or why they are hunting him. What does his uncle and aunt tell him? Does he believe it?

Again, Leo does not have to know the information on his character sheet, so please expand on some things even if Leo is not aware of them. (e.g. Why Khione was interested in his father, how his father died).

You have quite a few run on sentences. Please split information up with period instead of trying to continue unrelated ideas together, and don't start any sentences with 'and' or 'or'. Read your character page out loud and spot any other errors along the way or run them through a spell checker. I understand that the character page is already very long as it is, so take away any extended sentences that don't need to be there, only place the important information in, and don't repeat the same information. Questions that I might ask are irrelevant to your character. (e.g. I asked if he spoke English, Japanese, or other languages. You don't have to mention whether or not he speaks Chinese or Korean, just say, for example, 'he can only speak fluent japanese and broken english'.)

Thanks!
-Gin

nagitin

Mortal

4 posts

leo air smith Jun 10, 2014 4:56:38 GMT -5

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Post by nagitin on Jun 10, 2014 4:56:38 GMT -5

ok what about now

Teddy

Administrator

1,315 posts

Chacha real smooth right passed my responsibilities

leo air smith Jun 22, 2014 13:49:26 GMT -5

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Post by Teddy on Jun 22, 2014 13:49:26 GMT -5

Hello, Nagitin

I'm going to suggest you look over Gin's reply to your thread and try again to make your character page acceptable.

In addition, there are a few passages I'm concerned about:

"causes of his father had died when he was very young
courses of the death that he does not know but i will tell you it was sadly Leo
felt one night when Leo was very young he cried and, while he was crying a
storm was raging the likes of which has not been seen in years as he cried
signs of his mother’s power peaked out and to make a long story short in order
to keep his baby son warm he held the child and died of frost bite"

There are a lot of communication errors with the above passage, for one, you should look over your grammar and spelling (as you should your whole character page as well). Read what you write out loud to yourself and make sure it makes sense to you. This will ensure that it makes sense for the rest of us.
Secondly, how is it possible that his father died of frostbite? Were they outside at the time? If so, why didn't they find warm shelter? If they were inside, you would not be able to die of frostbite because you would have proper shelter from the harsh winds and the cold.

"Despite his aunt being a demigod and him also been one you would think monster
would attack them daily but you would be wrong until his 12 birthday iris
blocked his scent just a little bit just enough to stop monster attacks"

We also have a problem with this passage, as it does not make sense that Iris would, or COULD block his demigod scent. The Gods do not have that power, nor do they care enough. They have their own duty's to take care of. Remember, the best Zeus could do for Thalia in the books was turn her into a tree.

Thanks,
Teddy