Cool Sentence Stuff

Thanks for participating, Rayteen!
I'll just give you a list of constructive criticism:

-Awesome detail so far, using the environment around you is always a great way to roleplay!

-This isn't as big of a deal but you should get used to capitalizing the first letter in the beginning of a sentence or thread. (e.g. at each bullet I said 'Awesome' instead of 'awesome', 'This' instead of 'this', etc.)

-You switched perspectives during your roleplay, starting off as third person with 'as Jacob Lewis Jones walked through the woods bored out of HIS my mind' but then you changed it to first person with 'whose there I said' and then continued with first person until the end of the roleplay. These are both two acceptable ways of roleplay but you shouldn't changed them in the middle of a thread, only when you are participating in different threads or warning the members of your current thread that you wish to change perspective. If you're confused about the two perspectives and what makes them different, here's a small explanation: speaking in third person is almost like a narrator describing a scene, there's no personal pronouns like 'I' or 'you' instead they describe what Jacob is doing like 'he did this' or 'Jacob thought of this'. First person is as YOU were Jacob. You describe your actions as if you were the ones doing them 'I ran for cover' 'I thought this'.

-When speaking use quotation marks (" ") around the speech so people know someone is speaking rather than the narrator describing something.

-The sentence 'as Jacob Lewis Jones walked through the woods bored out of his mind, it was then he heard a crack of a dried tree twig' is redundant. 'As' implies he is going to do another action after he walks through the woods, so there is no need to put in 'it was then' or you can do it the other way around by taking 'as' out and leaving 'it was then in' (if you're not too sure about about when you should us 'as' or 'it was then' I can try to explain further, but I think google would be a better teacher for that.)

-Before someone speaks, the sentence ends. Remember to put a punctuation (but not a comma that implies the sentence does not end) at the end.
I'll use one of my roleplays as an example:
I tried to stifle in a laugh as I saw him scramble up and run towards his sword, only stopped short by my sister.
"What's wrong Carmine? Not feeling as well-grounded as before?" It was a terrible joke but it went along with the mood.

In this example not only does the sentence end right before someone speaks, but the speech also ends in punctuation.

-'as I closed my eyes I need to calm down there was no one but i just had to be wrong' is a bit hard to understand, is Jacob telling himself that he needs to calm down and he had to be wrong? You should specify that either by using italics and separating action and thought, for example (using random roleplay of mine):
"I'm sure they would have spread out to the ground floor and hang out around other parts of the forest." Was the best answer I could give her.
Man, she sure did ask a lot of questions. I thought.

My sentence ended with 'give her.' and my thought began. My thought then ended with 'questions.' and it was back to describing what my character was doing.

You can also just put in that you/your character was thinking in the sentence itself:

I leaned back against the stable doors, listening to the gentle neighs and whinnies that the pegasi made inside the large barn and I thought no way were those guys able to almost kill me in flight.

((note, you don't need to bold 'i thought', I was just doing that for clarity.))

-Instead of 'causes' try " because " or " 'cause. "

-Instead of using a comma after line of sight, I think the best way is just to end it there in a period and begin a new sentence. Also think about make a new sentence in the line 's i closed my eyes i need to calm down there was no one but i just had to be wrong didn't i causes as i was about to think say there i was tackled to the ground by a group of crazed maenad'

- 'i roared trying to get up' should be separated by either a comma or something that bridges both sentences together. Roaring and getting up are two separate actions which should have one or the other so keep than in mind when deciding whether to use commas or not. If you don't want to use a comma you can just as 'I roared as I was trying to get up'.

This is what I'm noticing now that should be changed, Rayteen you can reply with a modification of your roleplay and/or any questions or comments for us, also if any staff wants to add in their two cents, they are more than welcome.

That is a lot better! I can see a lot of improvement. Nice use of periods, they really break up the paragraph well!

Just a few things I want to bring up:
-In your first sentence there are three actions, Jacob walking, Jacob bored,Jacob hearing a noise. You're going to want to either reword the sentence or isolate the second action with commas.
e.g.
Then I ran at him with full-blown force, hoping to catch him off guard as I pushed my whole body towards him, my sword extending on my action.

-'Whose' is the possessive of 'who' as in 'Whose book is this?. If you are confusing 'whose' and 'who's' remember that 'who's is a contraction of 'who is' so if it makes sense in your story if you said 'who is there?' then that means you use the word 'who's'. (this is a common mistake, but might as well warn you about it now.)

-End all dialogue in a punctuation. Jacob is asking a question, so his dialogue would end in a question mark. Then he is roaring, so he would end it in an exclamation mark. If your character isn't finished their sentence you can end the dialogue with a comma.

- when you say "I" try to capitalize it, this just seems a bit less casual text chat and more of a roleplay.

-Ther is a bit of confusion in the second line. Separate your character's action with their thought with a period.

-If 'i need to calm down' is part of your character's inner dialogue (him thinking to himself), then you shouldn't separate it with the rest of his dialogue.

-Make sure the inner dialogue ends in punctuation as well. Jacob is asking a question again in the phrase 'didn't I', so what punctuation should you use?

-Don't start sentences with 'because' (or " 'cause "). 'Because' implies that you are explaining the previous thought, but there isn't one before it because it is the start of a new sentence. (also avoid 'and' 'or' and 'with' as a starting word.)

-You mention 'was tackled to the ground'. Specify what was tackled, and separate the previous comment with a comma.

Super awesome! All I need you to remember now is to end each sentence when dialogue begins, end all of Jacob's thoughts with a punctuation, and capitalize the beginning of sentences and "I"'s when Jacob is referring to himself.

Let's try one more roleplay first, so I know that you can use what you have learned from this thread and apply it to different threads.

If you can create another short story we can critique on, that would be awesome.

Thanks for your patience!

how was that